Crashing cars in his brains

September 8, 2011

2011-09-08T10:05:00.000-07:00

Wisdom

2011-06-06T11:36:00.000-07:00

Wisdom is the door I want to knock on.
Straight road I want to choose in life.
Honestly and straight line thinking and speaking I want as my guide.
Useless speaking I want to avoid.
Kindness I want as my attitude.
My eyes I want for seeing human depths and not surfaces.
Myself I choose over hurting people.
Loneliness I want as meditation and not as my skin.
My brain I want to use for greater good.
Myself I want as food for my friends' troubles and doubts.
My heart I want to beat for life.
My mind I want to open for great challenges.
Worth I want as my balance.

Rain

2010-07-30T10:07:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to figure out why would my hormons freak me out.But they do.
I wonder what my stomach will say if I serve it with another cup of coffee.
I'm looking for a captivating book, while he's gone, but it's impossible to fill,in any known way to me his absence. He's irreplaceable.
He doesn't even need to lock my heart to keep him in. He simply can't be moved.
My head aches a bit. It will rain for sure. But thankfully,I'm waiting for jelly to freeze and the corn has boiled around 40 minutes ago.
I actually decided to post a thought that I finally managed to catch and judge a bit.
Here's the thought: "Uhm,why do I bother trying to make things go perfect when my body and soul make it incredibly naturally,honest and instinctive?" ,"What fears are left?".
Feels better now.It always feels great to cut some shit off exactly on time.

Season's finale: A sucker's dream

2010-05-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

To find peace.To separate loneliness from "love".To get lost.To move on.To change.To stop having tones of pity for myself.To become selfish.To built walls.To become sarcastic and poisonous.To survive.To stop being manipulated.To manipulate.To try new friends.To wear some lust.To calculate every move.To become unmovable.

Special needs...

2010-05-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

I took a look in a mirror.I hardly woke up.I didn't like what I saw. I took 3 minutes to think what possibly could I do with myself this day. I couldn't help but to wonder, because the answer was clear and simple :not much. I went to school in hope to repair the reputation that ran out of control.I got there.I realised that I'm far away from being smart or clever,or,more than that,competitive.I lost the bliss,I lost the strength.
In fact,I think I am absolutely right about the kind of halo I've got.A halo of misery.A halo of false pretense,a halo of a whore and a liar.
I always used to cure myself.This time I wonder what should I do?Should I punish myself or should I start my small theater class and keep on faking emotions.
I wanted to feel that someone needs me,but there's only pity,and perhaps not even a material or physical interest shown to me.
So I'm buildings walls.I have major doubts about my existence.

Search

2010-05-12T14:06:00.000-07:00

"I search for gentlyness,I search for touches,I search for kiss,I search for scratches,I search for screams,I search for loneliness,I search for approval,I search for indiscretion.I search for abandon,'cause it's the only thing that brings me the feeling that I was right all along...and it would possible close me.Inside."

It's just misery....so irresistible...

2010-05-08T12:06:00.000-07:00

I keep questioning myself why in some personal situations I can't help but being miserable, I can't help being asked why do I accept this or that,or my highest inspirations are being heavily doubted...
I wonder if it is a loss of self-confidence,or is it just my pleasure of being seen as miserable by others?
To be honest, I pay atention at what other people say or think (mostly respectable ones)...
I could say I can't find the balance,the peace and content of living under my own skin,but so far, i don't know how to live....'cause it shakes from carpe diem to mysery,from respect to alcoholic addiction, and so on...
i don't feel tired...I feel absolutely unuseful...it's my egocentrism that keeps me in "general mode".

For naive soul(s)

2010-04-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

Once you've lost a soulmate,you can't have it back.Once you were dumped.think that there must have been months before your soulmate decided to give you the "big" news.
Don't ask why.When people break up-they don't say the true reason,this is why we hear all kind of excuses and it makes us feel even more miserable.
Don't blame yourself.Don't blame you ex.People do break up.Even after years.Let go,if it's over no earthly sweet memory of you two caan bring it back.
Let it hurt.It WILL,but no one can really help you if you are so busy screaming,crying and regreting.
You don't have to stay friends,more than that,you mustn't be friends just to be around.
Have some respect.For both.
Give yourself 3 days of pity or something and then clean up your mind,prepare your heart for another disaster.

There is still,a lot of fish in the ocean.

Catcher

2010-04-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

I hardly noticed upcoming sickness being occupied,as usual and expected,by ups and downs.But still I've hit the ground,and now I'm having this day spent on Salinger's "Catcher in the rye " some yoghurts and The Bermudes Triangle documentary.
Tomorrow I'm leaving for home,to get somepaper work done ,to get a weird haircut and perhaps to met some old friends.
I'm still ought to remain silent and isolated.
Social integration is something I really don't see as my piece of cake.
Hope to catch some spring after all!

Naive

2010-03-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

Lazy, irresponsable and full of vanity.

Can I please have a piece of stone block striking my head?

*I still believe I can make it.

**Bullshit.

->Arrows<-

2010-03-26T11:19:00.000-07:00

Guess what? Challenging myself suddenly became extremely boring.

Why not hanging out? Because lately there has been nothing I didn't know or couldn't predict about it.

Two beers.Double Martini.Taxi.Bad-smelling clothes.And all of these among questions :"Hi,how are you? How is it going? And why so serious?". Sounds like fun?

I don't put myself upper or lower on society,I don't say there's no one I can maintain NOT usual or captivating conversation.
I just hardly find people having same interests as I do. I hardly find people who's reactions would be a somekind of ''do not know what he is about to say on this''.

After all,maybe this is still a part of cutting out any influence.

2010-03-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

Now I've reached the point when people drink coffee in equal quantities as beer.

I...I'm pulling myself together to win.I'm morally falling apart,incapable of leading a more or less normal personal life.
So I definetely must wake up the instincts.

I want the control! I want a true spring awakening.A metamorphose.

Ring my bell.

Catched z's

2010-03-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

I can't say things are getting back to normal,and this is particularly because I haven't noticed any major changes.What I certainly noticed was the thing that I'm having my mind clear.
Although I feel a bit lost in planning holidays for this spring.Also a bit stressed,a bit uncertain, a bit lazy and a bit happy for that gorgeous 12-hour sleep I got this weekend.
I've got some pretty serious deal combined with a challenge,and some incredibly big desire to finally move in into my own space of living.

Spring is welcome.

Q:What's on your mind now?;A:Donuts and coke!

2010-03-15T14:58:00.001-07:00

"Downs" unexpectedly turned into someone's irresponsability and an arrangement of interests.Showing no emotions turned in fact,into taking mostly of the things in a sarcastic way(taking it easy-in other words).More than that,sarcasm and irony were to bring some kind of a fresh flagrance for my figure and look (metaphorically speaking).
Next to be told is the magnificent effect of teasing.Any teasing.It lights up.
This season is about junk food.Definetely.

It may only get worse...

2010-03-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

...but as long as there are still books of Remarque at home,there are still cigarettes in my pockets,and I'm still willing not to have pity on myself,it'll work.
A good thing to notice,is perhaps the inability of my ambitions to crash.A bad thing to notice,as it comes in addition,would be the "great" ability to complete other's interests and suggestions,by remaining a great egoist.
Ah!(dramatic exclamation).Here I can't help but laughing:"Why do these things happen to me?".Good thing,again,that it's not like that.Bad thing(s),why does it feel like crap then?,and there is the limit between taking a good advice and the lose of your own personality by being permanently guided?
Considering some bright new deceptions,I'd like to take an experiment on myself.Good thing,I'll try to get over downs faster and easier;bad thing-in order to complete this task,I'll have to be a bit silent and ignorant(just have it inside my head, for instance,or just not showing up any emotions)-this will cause,in my opinion even more opinions,questions and guidance.
We shall see.

Bucket list

2010-01-23T12:51:00.000-08:00

That's right,I said: "Get busy.Work.Live.Create".So far,working helps,but I really can't help but feeling miserable before going to bed.Every single night.
So far,things are moving,and I can't help but to wonder that I'm artificially or officially going to possess the second handicape.
To make a brief introduction,first one would be the inability to behave when men are around,and the second one would be a complete immunity and defense in front of up specified beings.
Remains to be seen.
By the way,wasn't able to create anything since December I guess.That definetely makes me think that I'm not goign to get along with the Arts.
Maybe that's better.Refound the interest for reading books.Took some from the school library,short stories,to read on the go,but Maugham and Salinger definetely impressed me.They gave me some comfortable ambiance.
And Charles Dickens also,broke the ice :D I hadn't had such fun since ages.
To close up the post,I must say that I don't want anyone to play me like a fool,I accepted that before,but it's time to earn some respect.

Something always demands a comeback

2009-12-08T14:59:00.000-08:00

Yes,mostly of comebacks begin with:So,here I sit,drown,smoke...
Well,here I sit,with the imposibility of lightnin' a cigarette,drowned into the darkest thoughts...
Compromises...I'm starting to hate them.In fact,the LIE got too fat to hide behind my green\blue\grey eyes..
In fact,empty...everything that reffers to "empty" frightens me.
So I'm an empty artist.An artist not capable to create on a specific topic,and artist only able to put together some elements.So I'm an empty girlfriend also,a girl not capable of offering some excitment in time.
My socialisation is poor,damn it...so poor.Others so easily catch my attention and spoil my time.
Pathetic.Sick.(Both great bloging combination).
I've waited so long for someone who'd really fascinate me,that even all my talents washed away,and I only left some caprice in my pockets.
I'm not eating.I hardly take care of myself.I hate the fact that I damaged my inner self so badly that I don't believe I will ever grow up or get wiser.
Get wiser maaaan,stop drinking that much...it's a pity that now you don't even need someone to bring you down,you're sparkingly doing it by yourself.
What a shame.What a shame you are such a fool and sinful girl.You don't own anymore any of your spotless thoughts and ideas.You"re logical.You're stealing and compiling as your own's.
I hate you.I see that only pushing you to the limits I can build up something various.Really.But it's late.How the heck you managed to waste your body and soul that bad?
You're being ridiculous.I fight with the idea that there is ACTUALLY something wrong with you.But I know it is.You're just so blinded by the idea you're such a bliss...You're NOT.
Get real.Stop making people like you.Push them to tell you it like it is.

Time frames

2009-09-30T03:14:00.000-07:00

It's easy to catch yourself on idea that you have the perfect solution for someone else's problem,especially when yours seems to be another apocalypsys.
Ignoring this idea,is a way to start solving your problems.For real.
This is a reached point.Pointing not the problem-going directly for solution.

Keeping myself busy-doing usual(?!)things,taking time for creation...that would be elements of consciousness?I'm not sure,but anyway,I tend to think that it is about growing up.

Growing up?(people use to tell things like-you're young,hang out!!!!Don't waste time---->I call drinking-drinking,and hang out I call-walky-talky).
As long as I find other than usual ways to hang out-it doesn't mean I'm wasting my youth.

I dare to be the person with various characteristics and abilities.I dare to find my own way.
I dare to keep my vision.I dare to update my mind.

Mentioned process isn't about blaming myself in order to be subdued to any of categories like:wise,smart,etc.It is about decent behavior,it's is about how comfortable I feel under my skin.

...embracing the shine...walking on toes...

Illness,drinks and adult alternative

2009-09-20T02:36:00.000-07:00

-Give me a shot of misantrophy,please,I'm thirsty.

How many times do we ask ourselves about the balance of giving and taking?How many times does it seem that we're giving more than receiving back?
Well,I consider those statements wrong-either you give,either you don't.It's useless to count appreciation or grateful phrases(never enough,huh?)

By the way,sick of picking up friends-why?Because tired of measuring emotions I give,tired of wearing etiquetes in order to impress(nobody forces me-it's just running hormons or fake teenage problems-perhaps I don't want to grow up)

Anyway,it's nice to have the control.But even editing myself in so many ways gets boring.
Knowing these facts either improve acting skills,either determinate just to be wise,calm,glad,creative and courageous.

As many times people try to be themselves,as many times they are less themselves then ever.

Perhaps,it's a pity that evolution cut human's wings (if evoluating from birds).

Traps

2009-08-31T08:09:00.000-07:00

Seems that eveybody gets into their own regrets.I seem to shine.I seem to be yelling at myself no more.
So rapidly-crowds are running into explanations and critics.
I say it again and LOUDER: if I don't stop blaming and punishing,how can I get fixed?
Besides,there's no reason for me to be fixed-otherwise I get bored and stuck-in a half-tone life.
Such a great thing-I can wake up-later or earlier-
I can smell that untasty vegetable meal mom cooks(after junk food -it's a heaven),I catch to read a trashy book or watch a messy movie.
I used to get myself into sophisticated problems,just because a crowd considers me a deep minded person.
After all-too many "I" in this chapter,come on-I also walk on streets.
What matters the most? To find a peace.Peace comes after a war,doesn't it?

You found me.

Quotes that work for me

2009-08-23T16:46:00.000-07:00

“I'm extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting, new designer drugs, you come back with tomato sauce.”

“Everybody lies.”

“The drugs don't make me high, they make me neutral.”

“I'm a little busy - gettin' my drink on.”

“I teach you to lie, cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back's turned you wait in line?”

“Like I always say, there's no "I" in team. There's a "me" though, if you jumble it up.”

“You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to quit thinking.”

"I've found that when you want to know the truth about someone that someone is probably the last person you should ask."

"...like the philosopher Jagger once said, 'You can't always get what you want.'"

"It's one of the great tragedies of life — something always changes."

"Weird works for me."

"There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is --- in fact --- a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate."

"If you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much anything."

"Arrogance has to be earned."

''And I call you Cutthroat Bitch, well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am.”

Midnight lunch

2009-08-23T15:46:00.000-07:00

So I woke up at 2 a.m. and took a meal.I wasn't really hungry-but I just fel I must do something.Sounds pathetic,but I lost my sleep with the last smoked cigarrette.
Here it comes,I've been reading a quite halucinating book a couple of hours before.I could pretend I understand it-but I don't.It usually works for teenage minds that seem to chew every methaphore.
A sketch.A bracelet.And a few calculations on how much I spent.
I don't complain.It was me who deleted all those contacts,so now-I pretend I'm ok.And it feels like "sleeping mode".It also should calm me down.

Something,according to Gregory House:"Her lips say-no,her hormons say-Oh,my God,yes!More!"

What's my age again?

2009-08-20T02:01:00.000-07:00

Comebacks are always nice,also smart,dirty,noisy,but to me-never exciting.This one is called: "I don't care".
Lots of useless contacts thrown away,as well as accounts which mean comments and appreciation.
Such a pity I used to depend on a poor social life I've lead.
Can't say I don't fake smiles-still my behavior is suffering from a disease caused by so many injures I've collected in my body and mind since 17.
My personal experience is a subject I guess I avoid to talk about.Even to myself.

And here's a brief welcome for me: Michael Jackson- Dirty Diana.

Cromatisme

2009-05-31T13:46:00.000-07:00

Prin vene îmi circulă sânge diluat.Se mişcă atât de încet,încât tot ce fac pare a fi într-un ritm larg,care scârţâie pe dinţi.
Îmi cuprind genunchii de multe ori pe zi.Ameţesc repede şi ma in de pereţi ca să stau în picioare.
Liniştită.Bucuroasă că mă pot judeca şi condamna din nou.

Give me a piece of war,I'm starving.

2009-05-30T14:16:00.000-07:00

Give me a needle.Cocaine.Leave me alone.Watch my solstice.Under the rain.Rest.Loneliness.Hard work.Memories.Dust.Portrait.Drawing.Scratching skin.Blind.No sunset.Decision.An echo.
Clothes.Coverage.Passion.Absent.
Cold.Him.
Sinner.I.

Parchet laminat.

2009-02-24T14:58:00.000-08:00

Aşa titlu?Da,fiindcă am noduri.Noduri în gât.Fiindcă nu-mi găsesc liniştea.Fiindcă lupt pe 10 de fronturi,şi nici pe unul dintre ele nu am întâlnit o strategie onorabilă.Cheltuială oarbă de resurse.Nici atât.Pentru că nu dorm.Pentru că în recepţia mea şterg orice imagine pe care ar fi avut-o cei din jur despre mine.Pe măsură ce se apropie primavara,măştile trec în semiumbră.Îmi simt pleoapele otrăvite cu plumb.Nu ştiu dacă mai vreau să mai scot vreun sâmbure de adevăr din mine.Un mix infect de prostie,naivitate,disperare şi ...februarie.

Ac.

2009-01-18T05:48:00.000-08:00

Nu.Iarăşi nu.Echilibrul s-a dereglat.Locul nepotrivit,şi mai nepotrivită decât persoana mea în acel loc nu s-a găsit.E timpul să realizez odată şi odată că nu sunt roata dracului,şi nimeni nu e obligat să mă privească uimit ,să mă tragă de mână,să-mi vorbească.Dar totuşi mi se pare atât de stângace manifestarea asta a mea,de a capta atenţia,de a ţine la cineva,de a împărtăşi o caldură,încep să cred că totuşi ar trebui să nu mai doresc cu atâtă umilinţă vorbe,gânduri,gesturi străine.Poate sunt roata a cincea a unui car,poate de fapt ,sentimentele mele nu sunt atât de indispensabile sau necesare altei persoane.Mi-as injecta egocentrism.